This Sunday night is one of my favorite of the year. I’m indifferent to Tony, I hate Grammy, and I appreciate Emmy, but boy do I love Oscar. The Academy Awards honor the entertainment industry closest to my heart, and I can’t wait to see the best cinematic achievements of 2009 rewarded in less than a week.

I don’t need a special reason to watch, but you might. Here are five that may cause you to tune in to ABC’s broadcast of the film world’s biggest night of the year.

1. Steve Martin & Alec Baldwin

Is there anybody as uniquely funny as Steve Martin? His style is completely his own, and it still works after decades of being in the spotlight. He’s the oblivious moron - he’s the Jerk.

Alec Baldwin has come a long way since the hard ass salesman who steals the show in one small, intense scene in Glengarry Glenn Ross. Now, he’s the hilariously over-the-top conservative Jack Donaghy. In a screenwriting class, I once wrote a defense of the use of voiceover (a frowned upon technique) as long as the voice was Alec Baldwin’s. Something about his tone and delivery is just…funny.

When they team up to host Sunday night, you know each of these special comic talents will result in some good laughs. I’d watch if either was hosting on his own, but now I can’t wait to see how they complement each other. I see no reason why you shouldn’t feel the same way.

2. Commercials

Sure, it isn’t the Super Bowl, but the Academy Awards is a television viewing event that gets serious attention from advertisers and big name products. ABC, broadcasters of the award show, have reported selling 30 second spots for as much as $1.5 million. To put that in perspective, the most expensive Super Bowl spots were going for $2.5 million. Clearly, some products (i.e. Coca Cola) have big marketing plans in store for Sunday night. It isn’t the main reason why you should tune in, but it will give you a good excuse not to change the channel after an award recipient gets played off the stage into commercial. The heavy investment in advertising could also make you feel all warm and gooey inside about the economy showing signs of turning around.

3. Increased Best Picture Interest

The Best Picture category is the Lebron James of the Oscars. It’s the main event - the real reason most people will watch. Sure, you may be interested in Mo Williams or Delonte West, but the only performance that matters in the end is King James’. Everyone wants to know who will take home the most coveted piece of hardware Sunday night.

There are some notable differences between this year’s field and that of 2009. Last year, only one of the films (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button) grossed over $100 million. In other words, only one of the movies had any semblance of mass appeal. This year, aided by the expansion to ten nominees, the Best Picture options have much more widespread notoriety. It still includes smaller, less seen projects (Precious, A Serious Man, An Education, and The Hurt Locker), but it also has box offices successes from 2009 like The Blind Side, District 9, Inglourious Basterds, Up, and billion dollar earner Avatar. Unlike last year, you’ve seen these choices, and you might actually have an interest in how they fare.

4. David vs. Goliath

Everyone loves the story of David and Goliath because they love the little guy triumphing over the giant. If you’re one of those people, then the Academy Awards has plenty of storylines for you to pay attention to Sunday night.

First (as I’ve already discussed in my post about the Best Actress category), there is actually a strong chance that Sandra “Speed” Bullock will defeat Meryl “Sophie’s Choice” Streep for the award for best leading actress. If that’s not a David versus Goliath story, I don’t know what is.

The main battle, however, will be between Avatar and The Hurt Locker. The first is the record-shattering movie that everyone has seen and cost enough to make that its financing budget could have wiped away America’s deficit if it was directed that way. The Hurt Locker, on the other hand, was a small production that, despite critical acclaim and momentum from the various guild awards, hasn’t even cracked a worldwide gross of $20 million yet.

Despite the huge monetary differences, these two films lead the pack of Oscar-nominated pictures with nine noms apiece. They go head-to-head in seven categories, including the mack daddy Best Picture. One of the most intriguing aspects of their battle? David (Hurt Locker) is favored - nay, expected - to slay Goliath handedly.   

5. Divorce Court Theater

Perhaps the most intriguing storyline of all coming out of the Avatar/Hurt Locker battle, however, involves the directors. In a country with such a high divorce rate, the Academy Awards’ audience should consist of plenty of people who can empathize with the situation that involves a former married couple (Avatar’s James Cameron and Hurt Locker’s Kathryn Bigelow) duking it out for all seven of those overlapping nominations, most especially Best Director. Not to mention that if Bigelow wins, she’ll be the first female recipient of the award ever.

Cameron has already said in interviews that Bigelow will win. Truthfully, she probably will, and she’s favored after her strong performance within the guilds. Still, would there be any better moment for a true sadist than watching Cameron win the award instead? There would be nothing more gut-wrenching and simultaenously wonderful than listening to that acceptance speech as they repeatedly cut to Bigelow, allowing us to watch as each passing moment gnaws away at her and adds to the fuel of a scorned woman that’s been burning for years.

It probably won’t happen, but it’ll be the defining moment of the night if it does. Do you really want to not be tuned in Sunday and risk missing it?

I enjoy scary movies. Even the bad ones will still make you squirm in your seat, cover your eyes, and nearly cause your heart to leap out of your chest. An unexpected killer hiding around the corner is frightening. A dead body falling out of the closet when a girl just wants to grab a new blouse is terrifying. In short, a scary movie is a scary movie, and it’s hard for a director to fail at filling the audience with that crippling fear he aims for.

Story is another matter. A lot of scary movies compromise story, the most important element of a STORYtelling medium like film, for the sake of wrapping up a contrived, goosebump-inducing plot. Sure you jumped out of your seat a couple times along the way, but you felt unfilled in the end because the weak story just didn’t add up. “You know that guy that every little bit of information we’ve been giving you throughout the movie suggests couldn’t be the killer? Well, he is after all! Surprised, huh?” In horror movies, surprise is a good technique for scaring the audience. “Nothing’s happening, nothing’s happening, noth- surprise! Someone jumps out at the protagonist out of nowhere! I made scary, no?” Yes, sir, you made scary. Here’s a cookie.

Surprise twists in a plot, on the other hand, usually cripple the story because the filmmakers are better at creating ninety minutes of gore than tying together ninety minutes of action and character development. The twists are meant to explain every thing that has happened up to that point, induce an “a-ha!” moment, and tie together all the loose ends of the film. That rarely happens, though. In fact, if you consider all the run-of-the-mill scary movies that come out every year, you’ll be able to recognize that, most of the time, those course-altering explanations ultimately fall short of satisfying the audience.

That’s what makes The Crazies a scary movie of a higher ilk. It’s on a completely different level than the studios’ usual horror releases. Each year the majors flood theaters, most typically around Halloween or the throw-away first couple months of the year, with, let’s say, a dozen horror movies. For the most part, these are nothing special. They try to be the next Ring, or the next Saw, or the next Scream - whatever successful horror movie is worth duplicating - but you’re lucky if one of those films in a given year lives up to its own expectations. Thankfully, The Crazies defies the odds and does.

This complicated, intelligent, and well thought out horror-thriller brings you through one small Iowa township’s nightmare. The town suddenly sees its people undergo strange and violent changes into the walking not-quite-dead. Throughout the story, each revealed piece of the puzzle to explain Ogden Marsh, Iowa’s predicament is a logical revelation. Too often do a scary movie’s reveals make you shake your head and say no “No, that can’t be right” or “That’s it?” In the case of The Crazies, the reveals only heighten the suspense and the odds, building the terror of the main characters’ world as they come face to face with how much the deck is really stacked against them.

It will not be the scariest movie you ever see, but The Crazies will be one of the better and more original major horror-thriller releases you’ve seen in a long time because it’s able to be simultaneously smart and terrifying. If you’re someone who appreciates a good scary movie like I do, you’ll understand how rare that is to come across.

The weekend’s here again. Don’t be afraid to utilize these words and terms when you’re hitting the streets:

BOMO - the act of jamming one’s tongue down another person’s throat in a state of severe inebriation; blackout make out.
Ex. I BOMOed with this chick last night and she tasted like vomit.

Cement Shoes - the act of finding a spot, usually up against a wall or near a doorway, planting yourself there, and remaining motionless for an extended period of time, often with some type of lean or pose that projects coolness.
Ex. He had cement shoes near the living room couch because it was the best place to survey the room and scout the female talent.

Cross-over - during flirtation, the switch of one’s focus and attention to the friend of the initial target.
Ex. At first I was hitting on that hottie in the pink tank top, but I pulled a cross-over on her when I saw her friend had a tongue ring.

Ghost Whisperer - a female who uses her attractiveness to coax drinks out of a guy all night long, makes advances, but disappears when the time comes to go back to either party’s apartment.
Ex. I wasted eighty bucks on that ghost whisperer last night and now my streak’s up to three months because of it.

Hail Mary - a last resort at the end of the night when a person, having struck out with every guy/girl approached throughout the night, takes one final shot at the next guy/girl he/she sees, usually making an aggressive play that may include uninvited grabbing, groping, and/or licking with the hopes it will result in a shared cab to a mutual destination.
Ex. Mark was worn down from all the rejection he’d faced that night and decided to throw up a Hail Mary with the hefty girl dancing on the bar.

Kiel Out - to ruin your chances with a girl, even a sure thing, through no one’s fault but your own because you’re an over-thinking moron.
Ex. Don’t Kiel Out.

Mutual Pump Fest - sex; sexual intercourse; doing it and doing it and doing it well.
Ex. Excuse me, miss, could I interest you in a mutual pump fest back at my place?

Post Up - the female act of finding an unsuspecting male, who is often innocently standing around, and backing that ass up into his groin area to the beat of the music.
Ex. I wasn’t even trying to meet anybody last night, but when I was drinking my beer with cement shoes at the corner of the bar, some girl came out of nowhere and posted me up.

Shampoo Effect - when a person drinks a lot (lather), stops drinking (rinse), then drinks again later (repeat) and finds it much easier to become intoxicated again.
Ex. He’d passed out by two in the afternoon on Marathon Monday, but when he woke up that night he was drunk again after a couple more beers because of the Shampoo Effect.

Silent Assassin - in a group of male friends, the one guy who doesn’t do anything to help his cause, usually staying silent in a corner of the room with cement shoes on, but still inevitably ends up being the only one in the group to leave with a girl.
Ex. I don’t get it - she was posting me up all night, but she still left with the silent assassin.

Tax Base - the relative attractiveness of guys/girls at the party, club, or bar.
Ex. The girls were hot enough to exclude themselves from any party that wasn’t of the highest tax base.

Have a term of your own to add to the glossary? Until I move my blog to WordPress and gain access to a blogging service that makes commenting simple, submissions will need to be done through replies on Twitter (@KielServideo), Facebook, or email (kiel.servideo@gmail.com).

I’m a streaky writer. Just like Ray Allen can hit ten consecutive three-pointers in the first half and then miss ten straight in the second half, I’m able to write a blog post a day for a good week before going into a five day drought. That’s what I’m in the midst of right now - a long, unproductive, good-for-nothing drought.

Talk about an ironic time to have a writer’s drought, too, since it hasn’t stopped raining since a white guy was president. (Seriously, the rain is ridiculous and it shows no signs of stopping. I know I’m going to wake up tomorrow morning and find my basement has flooded worse than Bourbon Street.) Perhaps the rain is one reason for my writer’s drought, though. It’s put me in a funk, or at least it’s pushed the funk along. The first nudge into funkdom came after a recent employment opportunity proved fruitless. I even had a good interview with them that didn’t include a single John Mayer moment.

Of course, it’s my fault for being hopeful in the first place. Having hope is like putting a shag rug over a pile of dog shit; when you’re standing on the rug, it feels divine between your toes, but when it’s pulled out from underneath you, you’re standing in dog shit.

Should I say shit? Maybe not. Potential employers may be reading this blog and find it unappealing. However, most potential employers also find it unappealing that I’m a writer with film development experience trying to find work in communications fields like public relations and advertising. They want me to have experience in those particular fields, but how do I gain experience if everyone requires experience to start with? Experience experience experience. It’s my own personal F word. From here on out, we’re calling it the E word.

If you’re someone who reads me a lot, you may think that now I’m going to make an analogy between the rain and my quest for employment, each having no end in sight. If you think that analogy will be found anywhere in this post, you have another thing coming, Mr. or Mrs. Why would I make that comparison? It’d be silly. Rain is rain and employment is employment. Potato, tomato.

I should slow down. Is this coming across as angry? I’m sorry and please don’t worry. I’m writing it lightheartedly and in jest. I promise. I haven’t descended into the 9th circle of unemployment and have no plans to do so. (The 9th circle of unemployment, for the record, is Daytime Soap Operas.) This is just a slight detour back to the original subject of my postings when I started blogging in September under the original title “Dear World, Please Give Me A Job.” No worries. I’ll be back to writing cutesie short stories and posts about the Oscar’s (only 10 days away) in no time.

For now, though, put up with this not-so-pleasant topic. I need to purge all the bad thoughts so I can move on with my life and get back to frequent writing and upbeat thinking. I feel better the more often I write. It’s science. My emotions are linked as closely to my writing efforts as Elliot’s feelings are linked to those of E.T. When I’m publishing several posts a week, my self-esteem is through the roof. I walk down the street, grab the prettiest girl I can find, and plant a big one on her. And she enjoys it. She may even grab my tush. When I’m not writing and my mood is down, however, I make passes at Sasquatch’s female relatives. And they reject me. Since I’m more on the path of the latter than the former right now, clearly I need to purge.

So, to purge a few things:

1) If another person asks me what I’m trying to do when I say I’m looking for a job, I’m going to stick their nose in the stuff you find under my metaphorical shag carpet. What am I trying to do? I’m trying to apply my abilities as a writer and a creator to get a job for which I’m not professionally prepared so I can stave off bills and debt that are raping me from a half dozen different angles, but for the time being I’m settling for a $60 per diem as a substitute teacher.

2) The next time an interviewer looks at me with a straight face and asks me a cliche question like what my biggest weakness is, I’m going to answer, “You.” My biggest weakness is that the people with the power to give me a chance don’t want to give me a chance. I can do whatever they want me to do better than anybody else they could get to do it. (Eye rollers: Since I’m currently at the bottom of the barrel, you can’t read that statement as arrogant. Statements like that when the world has pulled a rug out from under you and left you standing in dog shit are an example of perseverance and sustaining confidence, not arrogance.

3) F the E word.

Phew. Much better. I guess there was a little bit of anger in there after all, though. I’m sorry for breaking my promise. I hope this doesn’t need to affect us. I’m still the great cuddler I always was.

Speaking of cuddling, I recently wrote a cover letter to a company with a special twist on it. I went a little off book because it seemed like a great environment for creative people. Since they kicked me to the curb, I don’t see why it can’t be something you can enjoy. “Enjoy a cover letter?” you ask. Indubitably:

My Dearest HubSpot,

February is a month of love, and with Valentine’s Day less than two weeks away, I can’t stand another moment without coming forward as who I really am - a secret admirer who has been stealing glances of you from afar. I’ve seen many sides of you - your website, your videos, your employees - and have to declare, now before the entire world, that I love you, HubSpot.

I know we’ve never met, and most relationships sparked over the internet are doomed to fail, but I promise you I’m different than your normal suitors. Do any of those who court you have a widespread creative background that includes blogging, Hollywood feature film development, prose and screenwriting, a newspaper column, or writing and hosting experience of radio and television programs? I could go on, but why say here what my attached resume, a faithful wingman who always sings my good praises, will declare on its own? I feel it is inevitable that you will see that our creative paths have been destined to cross each other since the start of our lives. In short, I’m your density…I mean, I’m your destiny.

The Fates have made it so. Cupid has already struck me with his arrow, and now that you’re looking my way, I know he’ll hit you with another. Be my muse, my dearest HubSpot, and I promise we’ll have a life together that is both joyous and fulfilling.

For further wooing, you can view my blog, a mixture of creative and journalistic pieces, at http://retired-at-22.tumblr.com/, follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/KielServideo, and connect with me on LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/kielservideo.

Adoringly yours,

Kiel Servideo

—-

Clearly, pouring my heart out didn’t work. It generated hope as it was passed around the office by a friend who works for the company, but ultimately the answer that came back pulled the rug out from under me and left me standing in…well, you know.

I like to think the cover letter is an example of how well I’ve been able to keep a light heart as this situation plays itself out…either that or it’s a tell-tale sign I’m losing my mind. I don’t think I’m losing my mind, though. I’ve done a good job keeping a positive outlook 90% of the time, convincing myself that things will get better and I’ll find a job soon. Most days I’m able to carry on quite cheerfully and you’d never know the anger that came out in this post is there. But it is, and now it’s been purged so I can get on with writing about things that are more pleasant to you and I.

Goodbye, Anger. I’ll see you again in a month or so.

I know from the E word.

This Oscar season, Scene It All Before blogger Zach Stone and I are teaming up to offer our varying perspectives on the 2010 Academy Awards. This is our second installation in the series. To see his comprehensive view and opinion of all four acting categories, click here.

The Best Actress category is extremely close and difficult to predict this year, but it isn’t because of an overload of spellbinding cinematic portrayals that keep your eyes glued to the screen for 90-120 minutes. Instead, none of the nominees deliver a strong enough performance to definitively separate themselves from the rest of the pack, leading the Academy to choose from a lackluster pool of candidates in comparison to the usual cast of competitors.

Sandra Bullock is the favorite with the guild support thus far, although I don’t know why. I wonder if the Screen Actors Guild voters who gave her the award saw her in the same film as I did. In The Blind Side, I wasn’t convinced Bullock was Leigh Anne Tuohy; instead, it was obvious she was just pretending to be a stubborn, hard-nosed Southern woman. Don’t believe me? Go see for yourself. I wouldn’t make such serious allegations without justification. Good acting performances, especially those deserving of Oscar gold, shouldn’t remind you the character is being portrayed by an actor/actress. You should be convinced the actor/actress and the character are one and the same. In that regard, Bullock fails miserably.

The next leading candidate is big screen queen Meryl Streep. In the last four years, she’s been nominated for the Best Actress award three times. DY-NA-STY! DY-NA-STY! All told, she’s been nominated 13 times over the course of her entire career. Add three Best Supporting Actress nominations to her credentials and you clearly have a living legend. However, those stats are severely hampered by the glaring fact that only two of those 16 noms resulted in a win. Could this year break a dry spell that spans 27 years and 12 nominations? More on that in a minute.

Gabourey Sidibe is the out-of-nowhere story at this year’s Academy Awards. Sidibe shines as Precious, the obese and impoverished mother of two and incest victim. While she does enough in her role to make the film work, she is not what carries this film. Understandably so: This is Sidibe’s first acting role…ever. Knowing that, it’s an impressive and admirable performance, but not good enough to win Best Actress. Her place among Streep and Helen Mirren should be an honor, and while she may come close due to the lack of separation between each actress’ individual performance, she’s a long shot dark horse.

Bringing up the rear in this race is newcomer Carey Mulligan and old face Helen Mirren. In An Education, Mulligan is a prep school senior who is in such a rush to grow up she has an affair with a man nearly twice her age who can give her the extravagant life she craves. Ultimately, I don’t see any reason why Mulligan’s portrayal of a naive and, at times, stubborn teenage girl is remotely special enough to deserve Best Actress. Mirren’s problem, on the other hand, is lack of visibility. I’ve certainly had a lot of trouble getting the opportunity to watch the one time Best Actress winner’s portrayal as Leo Tolstoy’s temperamental wife Sofya in The Last Station. The lack of exposure for the film will hurt its chances in the two categories in which it received nominations (Christopher Plummer secured a Best Actor nom for his take on the enigmatic author himself).

That leaves Bullock and Streep. Would you ever expect Sandra to legitimately challenge Meryl for supremacy in the Leading Lady world? It’s Speed, The Net, and Miss Congeniality versus The Deerhunter, Sophie’s Choice, and Doubt. Yikes. However, we can’t evaluate based on past roles and performances. The Academy wants to know why you deserve to win this year and this year alone, or else Streep would be racking in the hardware every award season. With that said, I’ve already told you my piece about Bullock’s shudder-inspiring take on Leigh Anne Tuohy, but does Streep then capitalize on the opportunity to seize Oscar gold?

Personally, I think that’s a tricky question to answer, primarily because Streep’s Julia Child isn’t the driving force of Julie & Julia. The film simultaneously tells two stories: Julia’s quest to publish the first book on French cuisine written in English and Julie’s (Amy Adams) goal of following 365 recipes in Child’s cooking book for each day of the year. While a Best Actress should be a major driving force behind the film’s story, Julie & Julia is unique because it has two separate plot lines. Also, Julie’s storyline comes across as more important than Julia’s and feels more central to the film. Julia Child’s part reads more as a history lesson than anything. For that reason, Streep feels like the film’s number 1A lead while Adams is the film’s number 1 lead.

Also, a big problem I had with Streep’s performance was that it seemed at some points to border on impersonation. I had a tough time deciding whether or not her take on Julia Child belonged on the big screen or in an SNL sketch. Still, while her version of Child’s voice does seem like a caricature at times, when you capture the spirit and personality of such a widely recognized and complicated public figure as well as Streep does, I don’t care if she appears on the screen for two minutes or two hours - she’s done your job, which is exactly what you expect from Meryl Streep in any of her films.

That’s why Streep should take home the prize this time around. She’d be a long shot in any other year, but with 2010 being such a weak field for Best Actress candidates and Sandra Bullock’s abysmal role of Leigh Anne Tuohy being her only competition (and she really is), Streep is most deserving of winning the Academy’s top leading lady prize. It’s funny considering how many reasons I can say why she shouldn’t win, but I’m still convinced there’s no better person this year. It’s a shame considering all the times in the past when Meryl Streep has turned in better performances that proved fruitless, but with a current Chicago Cubs-esque streak in Academy Award nominations like this, I’m sure she’ll will take what she can get.

This post is by a special guest writer, Koko. He looks a lot like me and has a similar writing style, but I promise we are not the same person. He is simply who I would be if I allowed constant rejection and romantic woes to make me a deplorable human being. My Roarin’ Twenties does not endorse or condone his thoughts or methods…but it will publish them.


Alright, guys, it’s safe to come out now. Valentine’s Day is over. Christmas is a couple months in the past. The coast is clear.

It’s time to get out there and find a girl. If you’re lucky, you’ll find someone with a birthday that falls between Christmas and Valentine’s Day. That’s the Trifecta. The object of the game is to be with someone for as long as possible without encountering one of the mandatory gift holidays. It’s your mission if you choose to accept it. Good luck.

The problem is how you find that special person. Lucky for you, you have a woman wooer extraordinaire, a virtuoso if you will, at your disposable. Everyone knows I’ve mastered the art of attracting and picking up the ladies. How about this surefire trick?

Scenario 1

You’re walking around a crowded public area…let’s say a mall. You spot an attractive female and walk up to her. “Excuse me,” you say, “but I lost my phone. It’s somewhere around here. Could you call it for me?” When she uses her phone to call yours, and you’ll remember it was in your pocket all along. Since you’ve already had a little conversation and have her number in your phone, no harm in asking for her name so you can call her some time. What’s the worst thing that happens? She doesn’t give it to you, but you still have her number to bother her whenever you feel the need. Game over.

—-

Clearly, it’s my keen insight into the female mind that puts me in a league of my own. To take my game to the next level, lately I’ve been conducting a social experiment to test a hypothesis of epic proportions. If it’s proven correct, we’re talking about a foolproof method to pick up women.

First, consider this circumstance that everyone (except me) endured at one point in his or her life:

Scenario 2

You’re in middle school. The teacher asks you what the term is for a six-sided polygon. You raise your hand and correctly answer, “Hexagon.” You’re beaming with pride, but suddenly some kid in the back of the class (most likely with a acne-ridden face even though he’s only twelve) decides to rain on your parade. “NERD!” he yells out. The entire class breaks into laughter. Even the teacher. He’s right: You are a nerd. You’re completely embarrassed. You’ll never get laid before eighth grade graduation now.

—-

Situations like this prompted me to explore the effects of the word “nerd” in adult life. I began using it in casual conversations with friends. “What are we doing tonight, nerds?” “Who’s buying the first round, nerds?” “Are you going to finish those french fries, nerd?” Then I used it in encounters with strangers. At a supermarket: “Keep the change, nerd.” At a restaurant: “What’s the soup of the day, nerd?” As a substitute teacher: “Wow kid, you’re a real nerd…nerd.”

The effects of using the word “nerd” are two-fold. First, it builds your self-esteem. You immediately assert your dominance in the conversation and feel better about yourself. Try negotiating a hostage situation with someone who calls you a nerd. You’ll cave every time.

The second and more important effect of using the word “nerd” is on the victim. Much like the middle school example, when someone is called a nerd in adult life they immediately feel inferior. People are insecure, and it’s important that you prey on someone’s insecurity before someone else preys on yours.

And that obviously applies to women. Who’s more insecure than a girl who grew up modeling herself after Barbie dolls and Disney princesses? It’s the main reason why my method is foolproof and will work for you every time. Call a girl a nerd and she’ll be begging you to sleep with her. You’ll demean her in one instance and she’ll need to feel validated in the next.

Don’t believe me? Watch for yourself.

Scenario 3

At a bar, you pick out the prettiest girl. More likely than not, she’s standing in the middle of a sea of girlfriends, armor in the dating and pick-up world. You casually approach the crowd of women and fight through the outer layers of fatties and uggos. Finally, you reach the diamond herself. “Hey nerd. I’m Koko.” Be prepared for a few seconds of silence as she let’s the shock of this strange and awesome new approach settle over her. “I’m Tina.” She buys you a drink and has her tongue jammed down your throat before you’ve taken your first sip. Jackpot.

—-

It’s really that simple. It’s Friday night, and I encourage everyone to get out there and personally witness the extraordinary power of the Nerd Effect. Satisfaction guaranteed. When you’re sneaking out of a girl’s apartment early tomorrow morning, I know you’ll want to thank me.

You’re welcome.

Eighteen days until the Oscars. Excited yet? No? Well, how about this: A rundown of all ten Academy Award Best Picture nominees, in the order I saw them.

Up

Last year, many people were upset about Wall-E’s snub for a Best Picture nomination. I believe that reaction was a huge bump for 2009’s Pixar release and helped it secure a nom in 2010, although being a beautiful and touching film on its own didn’t hurt. Up is a story about friendship between a lonely and grumpy old man and a lonely and ambitious young Wilderness Explorer. A great adventure inspired by the old man’s loss of his darling wife leads the pair to the Amazon jungle, where they meet talking dogs, a strange new bird, and a trademark Disney villain, of course. Up gives you that warm, gooey feeling that Disney movies (and more specifically over the last decade, Pixar movies) are known for. Along with Up in the Air, I personally consider it part of the second-tier of Best Picture contenders, while the reality is the animate film doesn’t stand much chance at all. However, I’d certainly be pleased if this one could pull off the upset.

Avatar

Alright, James, you got me. I was skeptical of your half-billion-dollar mega-movie at first, but I went, I saw, and I was flabbergasted. Only you can tell such a grand story, rake in an absurd amount of money, and still be able to call the product a moving and socially beneficial film. Avatar wows you visually for nearly three hours, but like a painting that takes your breath away at first glance, it also has layers of meaning and importance below the surface of pretty pictures and colors. Hollywood might want to go in a different direction than last year when it gave the Best Picture Oscar to the little guy - Slumdog Millionaire. If so, nothing could be on the opposing end of the spectrum more than Avatar. If it wins, it would be a monumental statement for 3-D, an exceedingly utilized effect in Hollywood, showing it can offer more than just a schtick to put extra butts in the seats. I consider Avatar a front runner that will be difficult for any of the others to take down in this race.

Up in the Air

I have a crush on Jason Reitman movies. The fact that he was actually able to make you root for a lobbyist of big tobacco in Thank You for Smoking is a testament to his filmmaking abilities and his understanding of his audience. Up in the Air has a more serious tone than Smoking, which is probably why it received an Oscar nom in a world where comedies are often scorned, but it is still a comical look at a man who spends more time flying from place to place than getting his life together. He falls into a comfort zone as a constant traveler, logging millions of frequent flyer miles with American Airlines and enjoying all the perks that go with such loyal consumerism, but he realizes that a window may have closed to both be a good family man and, more importantly, to love. Ryan Bingham, whose job is to lay off employees for other companies and who offers motivational lectures on the side about what’s really important and worth having in life, faces crises personally and professionally that challenge his whole philosophy. While it has some serious contenders to deal with, Up in the Air should be taken seriously itself to make a run for Best Picture.

District 9

Because the science-fiction market of both film and literature has always been flooded with so much material, a huge amount can fall in the category of “Crap.” However, just as I’d argue Kurt Vonnegut’s novels are more than “just science-fiction,” I’d argue the same for Neill Blomkamp’s allegory about South African apartheid. And the Academy seems to agree. When a strange alien race of refugees settles in over Johannesburg, they’re treated like scum and a social burden. Wikus Van De Merwe, an administrator in a shady global corporation, accidentally gets tied into the fate of the aliens and the need for their escape. District 9 is a fast-paced and exciting movie that thoroughly entertains while also teaching a lesson by highlighting a serious defect in human nature. I don’t think it can win this category, but I’m particularly happy the Academy made the move to ten Best Picture nominees because it gives this film the recognition it deserves.

The Hurt Locker

My favorite little-film-that-could last year was The Wrestler. I especially enjoyed how suspenseful the last fifteen minutes were, when it seemed like Randy the Ram could kick the bucket at any moment. With The Hurt Locker, that suspense is magnified, extending throughout the duration of the film that focuses on a bomb squad in Iraq. While World War II films have always glorified its subject matter, films about wars since, namely Vietnam and Iraq, instead focus on the inescapability and trauma of wartime experiences (i.e. Deerhunter and Brothers). It’s been done to the point that the soldier character who can’t shake his past has become as cliche as the mean cheerleader in teen movies. However, The Hurt Locker shows the change a man at war undergoes and, more importantly, why he can’t change back. Sergeant First Class William James needs to go a little crazy to do his job defusing road-side bombs in the middle of messy Iraq, but it’s the fact that he can’t give it up to be a father and husband back home that is the real tragedy. It’s also why The Hurt Locker needs to be considered a serious player in the Best Picture race. It’s why The Hurt Locker will win.

A Serious Man

This Coen brothers film with much religious influence asks the question, “Why does He put the answers in our head if He will not answer them?” When A Serious Man is over, you may ask the same question about Joel and Ethan. They build up tension in the two hour slice-of-life of Larry Gopnik, but they don’t resolve that tension or answer the questions the film or Larry pose. I had a problem with the abrupt ending of the last Coen brother film nominated for a Best Picture Academy Award (Best Picture No Country for Old Men), although in this particular film it works. We don’t get answers because Larry doesn’t get answers, and an unpredictable and unexpected ending is apt in a story about a man’s life that is unpredictable, unexpected, and completely out of his control. While I’d consider A Serious Man a long shot for taking home hardware in this category, I’d consider this off-beat dark comedy worth a viewing if you aren’t afraid to let a movie ask you some difficult questions about what the nature of your life really is.

An Education

Who would have thought my college film studies class on Scandinavian cinema would have any effect on my life besides a B+ towards my GPA? In that course, one of our Dogme directors was Danish filmmaker Lone Scherfig, whose Italian for Beginners and Wilbur Wants to Kill Himself were cute stories about love, but little more. An Education, however, is a much better example of storytelling. A man nearly twice her age woos and falls in love with Jenny, a high school senior with Oxford on the horizon who’s in a real hurry to have an exciting life. The setting is 1960’s London and Jenny finds it terribly boring, which is why she’s so easily wooed by David when he first meets her in the rain one afternoon. Her ultimately doomed fling with the older man teaches her she can’t fast forward to the exciting life she wants; she learns a lesson about the need for an education to make that exciting life for herself. An Education would have had little chance to earn a nomination had the Academy not changed to ten choices for Best Picture, but given the expansion, Scherfig’s film is deserving of a nom, albeit highly unlikely to win.

The Blind Side

My friend Kyle once found an extremely low grade Vodka that he hasn’t been able to find since. Playing off the “Triple Distilled” label on some vodkas, this brand instead advertised, “Distilled Enough.” When I watched The Blind Side, I thought of that elusive, cheap vodka because the story about Michael Oher isn’t the best film from 2009 by far, but it’s good enough - good enough to earn a nomination for Best Picture in a field of ten, that is. Unfortunately, there is less football in this movie than I expected, instead focusing on less interesting areas of life where perseverance is needed blah blah blah. The Blind Side won’t win, but its director, producers, and actors should be honored for the distinction of being part of this group, especially since sports movies much better than it (i.e. Remember the Titans) never received the same respect.

Inglourious Basterds

I’m usually annoyed by Quentin Tarantino films - the stock characters and nauseating dialogue - but any movie that shows Goebbels tearing up after a hard-earned stamp of approval from Hitler is alright by me. At the end of this revenge flick, Aldo the Apache stares into the camera, having just carved a Swastika into a Nazi’s forehead and proposes that it might be his masterpiece. It’s not presumptuous at all to assume this is essentially Tarantino speaking. And you know what? He’s right. Inglourious Basterds is at a new level for the Spaghetti Western-inspired filmmaker. I expected two and a half hours of excessive violence; who doesn’t want to see 180 minutes of Jews killing Nazis? However, much more occurs in this film with many other characters besides the Basterds, and the best part is that they all weave together seamlessly for a riveting and unpredictable climax. In my first Oscar post this season, I neglected to include Inglourious Basterds as a top five movie of 2009 because I hadn’t seen it yet. Now, however, I don’t see any reason why it can’t nip at The Hurt Locker’s heels along with Up in the Air and Avatar.

Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

“If it keeps on raining, the levee’s gonna break.” That Led Zeppelin lyric kept replaying in my head as I watched Clareece “Precious” Jones endure a life so horrible that it shames me to consider how much I complain about being unemployed. You watch Precious go through Hell and know a breakdown is inevitable. After all, how can an illiterate and severely obese 16 year-old girl with two kids by her own father possibly go on? But she does. If this film, beautifully acted by Gabourey Sidibe and Mo’nique (yes, Mo’nique), doesn’t inspire you, you should have your status as a human being revoked. Understandably so, many people will never see Precious because of its serious subject matter. It never had the chance of catching fire like last year’s indie darling Slumdog Millionaire because it’s just too unpleasant from the start. Frankly, I only saw it because I was so committed to seeing all Best Picture nominees this year. However, if you give this film the chance it deserves, you’ll recognize it as a wonderful, uplifting, and inspiring use of the medium, and while it will not win Best Picture, it will win your respect.

Cupid Breaks the Rules - Cupid and Hercules hit the club, but things don’t go Cupid’s way.

Cupid Scolds the Muses - Justin Bieber’s the last straw.

Cupid’s Last Shot - It’s been a successful day, but he only has one arrow left.

You hang out at bars and clubs on the weekend with delusions that you’ll actually meet a special someone one of these nights. Your limbs flail in all directions over the bed when you sleep because you don’t need to worry about sharing the space with another person. You root for the “Will they? Won’t they?” relationship in every romantic comedy because you identify yourself with the male or female character.

In short, you’re single. When Valentine’s Day approaches, a special type of anxiety creeps into the mind of a single man or woman. You start asking yourself questions about how you reached this place. What am I doing wrong? How do I meet new people? Is there anyone out there for me? Do I need a stronger deodorant?

Being alone on a day devoted to being in love can be difficult for some people. However, since I haven’t had a significant Valentine’s Day since a middle school relationship during the Clinton administration, I think I know a thing or two about surviving the holiday as a single person. Here are some ways you can get through the weekend without ending up by yourself on a couch crying over a bowl of popcorn:

1. Answer the phone

A lot of times the phone rings, but I don’t answer because it’s an unknown number. Usually those are people I don’t know, bugging me with things like “Pay me for these credit cards!” or “Pay me for those student loans!” or “I saw you crapping in my garden again!” Blah blah blah. Today, though, I’m hoping for one of those calls. After all, if this person is calling me on Valentine’s Day and Sunday, he/she must be equally pathetic or, in the most extreme case, more pathetic than me. I feel we could have a fascinating conversation about each of our particular situations, possibly finding some striking similarities.

“I have conversations with the female voice of my GPS because I’m so desperate for contact with a female.”
“Me too!”

We may even have a tearful breakthrough where he/she tells me they haven’t been intimate with another human being in two years and I fess up about my confusing childhood crush on one of the female Care Bears. Do you see all the possible positive results that could come from this? Answer the phone.

2. Afternoon drunk dial

Sure, anyone can make a drunk call after 2 am, but it’s so predictable. Plus, it’s excusable. “I get it. It was the end of a long night of drinking with some friends. We’ve all been there.” But wouldn’t it carry much more weight if you drunk dialed an ex-lover or ex-romantic scorner at 2 pm? Then they’ll really see how much torment they’ve caused you. They’re taking their first bit of a PB&J sandwich and you’re taking the last shot of that bottle of Barbados rum you stole at your company Christmas party. When you call, they’ll be so caught off guard by your slurred speech at this time of the day that they’ll have to take responsibility for everything they put you through, and then you’ll never be alone again!

3. Take yourself out on a date

It’s better than doing something depressing and mundane by yourself or moping around with other single friends talking about how phony this holiday is that mocks you so. You know what? It’s not going anywhere, and it’s better just to embrace it. If you don’t have a guy/girl to go out with, go out by yourself. Go to dinner in your favorite restaurant and splurge a little bit. Take yourself on a nice walk through your favorite park afterward, and maybe even light some candles back at your place for a romantic evening later on. Who’s going to judge you? Society? What do they know about anything? Aren’t they the same people who held Paul Blart: Mall Cop at the top of the box office for two months? Exactly. They lost their chance. Treat yourself to a night on the town and thank me later.

4. Read my blog

If you’re so lonely and adamant about doing nothing in silent protest of Valentine’s Day, read my blog. Every. Single. Post. It goes back to September so there’s a lot of material to catch up on. My Roarin’ Twenties is like Lost - you can’t just jump in, read this post, and expect to fully understand what I’m saying. You need to catch up on every little plot twist and literary bump in the road along the way to get the bigger picture. I’m multi-layered, and you need to pull back those layers like an onion for the full experience. It’s up to you to figure out where I put the flashbacks, flash forwards, and flash sideways, though.

5. Chat Roulette

I just learned about this phenomenon this weekend. Apparently, a revolutionary website (http://chatroulette.com/) is trying to resurrect a piece of the glory days of AOL chat rooms, when kids who hadn’t lost their baby teeth yet could have sexual conversations with 45 year-old men posing as high school teenagers. Chat Roulette offers that same creepy encounter, only now it’s on video. If you’re so desperate to meet new people on this day of love, perhaps this website is the place for you. You should be warned, however, that many of the site’s users appear to be on the romantic tail end of their self-date when the camera is on them. Then again, perhaps this is the intimate moment you’ve been searching for along.

—-

Consider this free advice my Valentine’s Day gift to all of you. Let me know how it works for you. Now if you need me, I’ll be on Chat Roulette.

This year’s ten nominations for the Academy Awards’ Best Picture account for twenty hours of film. That means if you’re willing to commit almost a full day of your life to viewing these marks of cinematic achievement, you’ll have to sift through 1,200 minutes of visual candy to determine which of the ten films is most deserving of the most coveted Oscar.

Most people won’t see all ten, though. Instead, they’ll have to base their opinion on which ever film(s) they were able to catch in theaters. For that reason, expect Avatar to carry the most momentum into the Oscar’s next month because most of the general public has seen it. Last year, a much smaller film, Slumdog Millionaire, carried similar momentum into the award show and won Best Picture. It wasn’t a mega-success from the start, but a mix of critical and public praise along with a continued expansion into new markets leading up to the big night propelled it into the winner’s circle.

Still, it’s funny to think super-movie Avatar could win the same award as little darling Slumdog Millionaire. Even more so, they’re part of an even more bizarre class of elite films of Best Picture winners that includes, traveling back in time over the last decade, No Country for Old Men (2007), The Departed (2006), Crash (2005), Million Dollar Baby (2004), Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (2003), Chicago (2002), A Beautiful Mind (2001), and Gladiator (2000).

What kind of award show gives its most coveted piece of hardware to a bloodbath like Gladiator one year and a film about someone’s psychological issues in A Beautiful Mind the next? What makes the Academy vote for a musical in 2002 and an epic fantasy in 2003? By this logic, shouldn’t we assume that the same Oscar that went to the Little Indie That Could last year will go to the most expensive film ever made this year?

Often, the Best Picture nominees are buttressed by their nominations in other categories. Nods for screenplay, acting, directing, and less celebrated film elements (i.e. cinematography, art direction, editing, etc.) are major indicators of a film’s ability to take home the biggest prize of all. Looking at this year’s field, Avatar and The Blind Side are the only Best Picture nominees unable to secure nominations for either Best Original or Adapted Screenplay. That says a lot considering ten films make up this list and there are only ten spots for screenplay nods. Clearly, a well-written script is an important trait of the Academy’s view of a Best Picture contender. The last winner to go screenplay nomination-less? A little known Cameron flick about love and a sinking ship.

Six of the Best Picture nominees are also represented in acting categories. Up in the Air leads the charge with a Best Actor nomination for George Clooney and two Best Supporting Actress nominations for its supporting ladies Vera Farmiga and Anna Kendrick. Precious also makes a big splash with nominations in the Best Lead and Supporting Actress categories. The four remaining Best Picture options nominated in an acting category are only up for one prize each, and it is important to note that Avatar is left off these lists similar to the screenplay categories.

The nominees for Best Director essentially denote the top five Best Picture options, consisting of Avatar, The Hurt Locker, Up in the Air, Precious, and Inglourious Basterds. In fact, five of the last six Best Directors helmed that year’s Best Picture. Therefore we can assume that the five films not included in this category don’t stand much chance at all at winning Best Picture. Also, since an animated film has never earned a Best Director nomination (amazingly that includes Robert Zemeckis’ live action/animation splice Who Framed Roger Rabbit?), you can be pretty certain that while Up has broken through with a Best Picture mention in a field of ten, animated films still have a long way to go before they get serious Best Picture attention.

The ten nominated films have a strong presence in the remaining feature categories as well. Avatar, Up, and The Hurt Locker occupy three of the five slots for Best Original Score; Avatar, The Hurt Locker, Up, and Inglourious Basterds occupy four of the five Best Sound Editing spots; Avatar, The Hurt Locker, and Inglourious Basterds take up three of the five Best Sound Mixing nominations; the same three secured three of the five Best Cinematography spots; Avatar earned a Best Art Direction nod; Avatar and District 9 hold two of the three slots for Best Visual Effects; and all five Best Film Editing spots are taken up by Best Picture nominees Avatar, District 9, The Hurt Locker, Inglourious Basterds, and Precious.

Clearly, these films were nominated for the big one for a reason if they have such a prominent presence in other categories across the board. Also, it’s no wonder Avatar and The Hurt Locker are Best Picture front runners, having earned the most nominations with nine each. Still, while Avatar is widely favored over its competition, it’s glaringly missing nominations in acting and screenplay categories. Surely The Hurt Locker is more deserving with Best Lead Actor and Best Original Screenplay noms to go along with others in important categories like Best Director and Best Cinematography.

It is more deserving, in fact, but that doesn’t mean it will win. Based on the Academy’s schizophrenic history from year to year, a good film that few people have seen (it’s only grossed $12 million domestic) stands little chance in the wake of Slumdog Millionaire’s 2008 victory against a giant like Avatar. For this reason, you can’t really take the Academy’s Best Picture choice, whatever it will be, too seriously. While all ten nominated films deserve the distinction and you can make a strong case for several to actually win, it’s naive to think the Academy will actually choose the year’s best film when the big night rolls along. The choice is more so a reaction to what type of film won last year and the film industry’s conscious effort to move in an entirely different direction.

While you can’t fully quantify a film’s greatness, it certainly can only be as good as the sum of its parts. Avatar may earn the bulk of its nominations in categories related to the less sexy elements of film production such as art direction, film and sound editing, or visual effects, but it lacks the same recognition for the crucial aspects of acting and screenplay. That’s where The Hurt Locker finds its edge. It’s a visual spectacle versus a well-performed, strong story, and while it may seem clear that the latter is the better choice in turns of film quality, it will most likely not be the Academy’s choice come March 7th.

Because that’s not how they think.

*For the other side of the coin from a fellow blogger, click here.