March 2010
1 post
Five Reasons to Watch the Oscars
This Sunday night is one of my favorite of the year. I’m indifferent to Tony, I hate Grammy, and I appreciate Emmy, but boy do I love Oscar. The Academy Awards honor the entertainment industry closest to my heart, and I can’t wait to see the best cinematic achievements of 2009 rewarded in less than a week. I don’t need a special reason to watch, but you might. Here are five that...
See "The Crazies"
I enjoy scary movies. Even the bad ones will still make you squirm in your seat, cover your eyes, and nearly cause your heart to leap out of your chest. An unexpected killer hiding around the corner is frightening. A dead body falling out of the closet when a girl just wants to grab a new blouse is terrifying. In short, a scary movie is a scary movie, and it’s hard for a director to fail at...
February 2010
12 posts
Party, Bar, & Club Glossary of Terms: First...
The weekend’s here again. Don’t be afraid to utilize these words and terms when you’re hitting the streets:
BOMO - the act of jamming one’s tongue down another person’s throat in a state of severe inebriation; blackout make out. Ex. I BOMOed with this chick last night and she tasted like vomit. Cement Shoes - the act of finding a spot, usually up against a wall or...
Purging Some Anger to Break My Writing Slump
I’m a streaky writer. Just like Ray Allen can hit ten consecutive three-pointers in the first half and then miss ten straight in the second half, I’m able to write a blog post a day for a good week before going into a five day drought. That’s what I’m in the midst of right now - a long, unproductive, good-for-nothing drought. Talk about an ironic time to have a...
Sandra the Favorite, Meryl the Underdog?
This Oscar season, Scene It All Before blogger Zach Stone and I are teaming up to offer our varying perspectives on the 2010 Academy Awards. This is our second installation in the series. To see his comprehensive view and opinion of all four acting categories, click here.
The Best Actress category is extremely close and difficult to predict this year, but it isn’t because of an overload of...
Koko's Foolproof Method to Picking Up Women
This post is by a special guest writer, Koko. He looks a lot like me and has a similar writing style, but I promise we are not the same person. He is simply who I would be if I allowed constant rejection and romantic woes to make me a deplorable human being. My Roarin’ Twenties does not endorse or condone his thoughts or methods…but it will publish them. Alright, guys, it’s safe...
2010 Academy Award Best Picture Nominees
Eighteen days until the Oscars. Excited yet? No? Well, how about this: A rundown of all ten Academy Award Best Picture nominees, in the order I saw them. Up
Last year, many people were upset about Wall-E’s snub for a Best Picture nomination. I believe that reaction was a huge bump for 2009’s Pixar release and helped it secure a nom in 2010, although being a beautiful and touching...
The Cupid Chronicles
Cupid Breaks the Rules - Cupid and Hercules hit the club, but things don’t go Cupid’s way.
Cupid Scolds the Muses - Justin Bieber’s the last straw.
Cupid’s Last Shot - It’s been a successful day, but he only has one arrow left.
Valentine's Day Advice for Singles
You hang out at bars and clubs on the weekend with delusions that you’ll actually meet a special someone one of these nights. Your limbs flail in all directions over the bed when you sleep because you don’t need to worry about sharing the space with another person. You root for the “Will they? Won’t they?” relationship in every romantic comedy because you identify...
Best Picture: What Are They Thinking?
This year’s ten nominations for the Academy Awards’ Best Picture account for twenty hours of film. That means if you’re willing to commit almost a full day of your life to viewing these marks of cinematic achievement, you’ll have to sift through 1,200 minutes of visual candy to determine which of the ten films is most deserving of the most coveted Oscar.
Most people...
The Year the Academy Took a Little Blue Pill
Not enough people watch the Oscar’s.
That was the thinking behind the Academy’s decision to expand the field to ten Best Picture nominations instead of the usual five. This decision is very reactionary to the curious case of last year, when The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was the only film nominated to gross over $100 million. (And, to be fair, it only grossed $127 million...
Post-College Musical
If South Park can be made into a musical, doesn’t my life have the same potential? Sometimes, on days like this, I think I could pull it off. Observe: A spotlight follows me to center stage, my head down and my hands in my pockets - classic down-in-the-dumps posture.
Off stage, someone tickles a couple soft keys on a piano and the hints of a song begin to fill the auditorium.
I lift my...
Grammy's? More Like the Shammy's!
It’s a respect issue, is what it is. Of the Grammy nominees in the two major categories this year (Album of the Year and Song of the Year), I can’t say I have any respect for the artistic credibility of any of the artists or songs. I may dance to “All the Single Ladies” like the rest of the world or sing-along with Taylor Swift in the hopes that she’ll one day...
January 2010
9 posts
Unfriend Me
In the social media world, I’ve benefited in the great popularity battle of Facebook friend count for two main reasons: 1) I went to a big high school. 2) I went to an even bigger college. For that reason, I’ve been lucky enough to meet and know a lot of people. That doesn’t necessarily mean we were “friends” by any stretch of the imagination, but as Facebook...
As Funny or Die tweeted, there was great irony in the public response to author J.D. Salinger’s death today: “It’s great RIP JD Salinger is trending. It’s the thoughtful & sincere memorial he would’ve wanted from millions of strangers.” Yes, Salinger was a recluse and, despite achieving literary stardom more than half a century ago, he hasn’t printed a...
In a Way, I'm a Prostitute
First of all, I apologize for the long delay between posts. I understand how difficult it must have been for the three of four dedicated readers of this blog when I went silent for a couple weeks. Because of my wisdom teeth extraction, my Roarin’ Twenties were reduced to a dull whimper. I couldn’t do much of anything since I was unable to stare at a computer screen for more than five...
“Ladies and gentlemen, before we bring this rodeo to a close, I think a couple of...”
Coco A-Gogo: My Last Thoughts
Remember that first big dream you had of what you’d be when you grew up? For all intents and purposes, let’s just say you wanted to be an astronaut. Most of us did anyway. Let’s take it one step further. When you were a little kid, you watched the lunar landing with your jaw on the floor and vowed that one day you would be an astronaut that walked on the moon too. (You were a...
It's Evolution Baby
I’ve seen the future. In it, my kind are outcasts. We’re a dying breed that the rest of society spits on. Worst of all, we’re undesirable mates for the opposite sex, who understand that our particular defining trait isn’t worth preserving in the human gene pool. When you’re talking about evolution, that’s what it’s all about, meaning my kind is doomed. If...
The Tonight-mare Show
There’s a problem a-brewing in Universal City. Well, actually the problem has already been brewed, aged, and packaged for delivery. Now it’s being consumed by the masses, and it has the bitter taste that only NBC can produce. In a way that is uniquely its own, NBC has another late night comedy debacle on its hands like it did when Johnny Carson was succeeded two decades ago. We all...
Amending a Commandment
When Moses came down the mountain, he could have never envisioned Facebook. He could talk to a burning bush, free a nation of slaves, and even part a sea, but he could never imagine a social media giant that would one day rule the lives of the entire planet. For this reason, I can’t fault him for not clarifying specific circumstances in relation to the fifth commandment, “Thou shalt...
Adventures in Bad Television
Last night, I became a part of the problem. While I should probably be more discreet about it, I don’t hide the fact that I watch ABC Family’s pre-teen soap opera Secret Life of the American Teenager. It’s not just a show that I stop on when I’m channel surfing on Monday night’s either. It has the same viewing commitment that I give to unembarrassing programming like...
December 2009
10 posts
And Then 2009 Happened
“And Lot’s wife, of course, was told not to look back where all those people and their homes had been. But she did look back, and I love her for that, because it was so human.” -Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five You could understand the full breadth of my entire experience in 2009 or you could simply understand how my year began, and the result would still be the same. Exactly...
“You are next in line for promotion in your firm.”
– Tonight’s fortune cookie that clearly doesn’t know me.
Ugly Sweater Party Minute-by-Minute Chronicle
7:45 pm I arrive at the apartment with a 4-pack of Red Bulls and roast beef sandwiches in tow for Zach, Dan, and me. These seem like important instruments for a good night.
7:50 pm My roast beef sandwich seems to have mysteriously disappeared, but I have a satisfied and full feeling in my tummy box.
8:00 pm My first Red Bull seems to have disappeared too, but I’m left...
TRM
Currently, the government and private institutions are conducting tests on the newest affliction to sweep the country. It isn’t swine flu. In fact, it’s not even an ailment that can be felt physically. It’s a purely psychological attack on the brain known as Total Recall Musicphobia, or TRM. Total Recall Musicphobia sounds like a Schwarzenegger sequel, but I can assure you...
Short Story of the Moment 3
It’s a lot harder writing when you’re in a truck everyday versus being in a classroom like I was a month ago. Finally, here’s my third short story, weeks in the making: It’s the Soundtrack of My Life!
Re-Kindle Your Love for Literature, But Not Like...
By the time this holiday season is over, Amazon expects to have sold 3 million Kindles in 2009. For those of you who don’t know what the Kindle is, it’s Amazon’s version of an e-book, the new technology that digitally displays books on something the size of a…well, a book, I guess. Except it isn’t as thick as your run-of-the-mill book, of course. And did I mention...
Every Grandmother's Dream
I’m charming. That’s not me talking, it’s just the feedback I’ve gotten from satisfied customers. Before you start to think I’m a male prostitute, the satisfied customers I’m referring to are various parents and grandparents. Before you start to think I have an old people fetish, the satisfaction I’m referring to is nothing but charm. I don’t really...
Shut Up and Layer Up
There is snow on the ground and winter has finally come to New England. Chances are it won’t leave until some point in March, so get used to it. I’ll quickly grow tired of the persistent snow and the dreary skies like the rest of you, but one thing that’ll never really been problem for me in the winter is the cold. It’s never bothered me too much, and this season I...
My Jobs of Employment Past
When I first started blogging at the end of September, the blog was called Dear World, Please Give Me a Job and focused on the current state of my life as an longingly unemployed young man. I’ve altered that theme so this blog can instead serve as a chronicle (less negatively inclined) of my life as I enter the go-between era of my life betwixt college/formal education and...
Waiting on a Problem
With the exception of one nice young lady at a Chili’s in Ithaca, New York, I’ve never done very well with waitresses. I joke around with them plenty, though. That’s about all the flirting I have to offer. However, most waitresses don’t exactly take to it. I guess they’re busy trying to remember the orders for eight different tables. Priorities, priorities.
Saturday...
November 2009
11 posts
Film Review: Disney's A Christmas Carol
Imagine trying to describe the Christmas spirit to someone who has never had any encounters with Western culture or Christianity. It’s an unparalleled feeling - an excuse to feel magnificent all over for no real reason other than the date on the calendar. The unadulterated happiness people feel for the few weeks around Christmastime can only be rivaled by the feeling you get after something...
Why I Like Being on the Bottom
Have you ever known the cliche “It” guy? Beautiful girlfriend/wife, successful and high-paying career, the best at any sport he plays, and a personality that charms your socks off?
Don’t you really fucking hate that guy? It’s okay, don’t worry. It’s human nature to hate him. Why do you think the entire country of non-Patriot fans hates Tom Brady so much? Even...
Retired at 22...And Now I'm 23
Today I turn 23. This presents a problem considering my blog’s URL is retired-at-22.tumblr.com. Do I go on writing under the retired-at-22 umbrella, or do I set the precedent of altering the website every year and change it to retired-at-23 for the next 365 days? As you can see, I’m faced with a far more serious predicament this birthday than what shot I should take first.
If I change...
A Rose by Any Other Name
While it’s never been a personal crutch, my name has always been something…different. Kiel, phonetically “keel,” isn’t as common as Michael or Matthew or David. I learned that back in elementary school when I had three of each name in each class every year. At the same time, it isn’t even as common as Ron or Aidan or Glenn. You might have one of those per class,...
Short Story of the Moment 2
Inspired by a good friend and his blog: Beta Male.
No Shave November Concession Speech
I feel like Thomas Jefferson would have felt if he had to move to Canada after writing the Declaration of Independence. I’m a Founding Father of No Shave November, yet I cannot completely see it through. Halfway through the month, I must concede.
Financial needs have forced me to work seasonally at UPS, a company that does not allow its employees to have facial hair. With my orientation...
Short Story of the Moment
Last week, it occurred to me that I’ve gotten away from writing fiction, instead focusing all of my attention and mind-boggling writing skills on blog posts. I decided I should start featuring one short story a week on this blog. Or maybe it should be one short story a month. Truthfully, I can’t trust myself to keep up with any sort of schedule, so let’s just call it a short...
That's What She Said - In Memoriam
I come here to bury this joke, not to praise it. It has had its day in the Sun, but that day is over. Just like Pie in the Face has gone quietly into that good night, so has That’s What She Said.
It’s not often that a murderer eulogizes his own victim. However, it’s the least I could do after my incessant use of TWSS contributed greatly to its demise. Whether it was in a college classroom, the...
Patience is a Virtue
Conversation with 8th Graders:
Girl: You should date my cousin.
Me: We will not be discussing setting me up with anyone’s cousin.
Girl: I don’t understand. Just dump your girlfriend and go out with my cousin.
Me: What? No.
Boy 1 (to Girl): After meeting you, why would he want to date your cousin?
Me: Alright, enough.
Boy 2: Yea! And he already has a girlfriend.
Me: Actually, I...
Stay Out of My Affairs, Facebook
Enough is enough. I don’t like you meddling in my business like this. We’ve been through a lot of changes, but we’ve been through them together. We’ve grown a lot over the last 4 years, but we’ve grown together. I’m not with you on this one, though. I’m sorry, but if this is how it’s going to be for now on, I don’t know how this relationship...
October 2009
17 posts
If You Are Among the Very Young at Heart
For three days last week, my job as a substitute teacher was simple: Read Where the Wilds Things Are to second and fourth graders and show them a video of the book from about forty years ago. Before reading the book, I asked who wanted to see the new movie out in theaters. Most hands went up. When the video was finished, I asked again and all hands went up, much more emphatically this time....
Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog →
This is a bit old at this point, but for anyone who hasn’t seen this, it’s absolutely worth the 42 minutes and 45 seconds of your time.
You Know Guys? I Think I Learned Something Today
This substitute teaching experience is a neverending source of material for me. Today, I was introduced to a group of fourth graders as a former student of their school, the Marsh. They couldn’t believe that someone so old used to learn in the same place as them. (The beard really throws little kids off. They never think I’m as young as 22.) I told them I’d gone to the Marsh before it was in its...
NOW You Tell Me! →
I stand by my decision to go to college for the experience if nothing else, but this sores a little.
Wednesday Night TV Promotion
Monday night is CBS with How I Met Your Mother and Two and a Half Men. Tuesday night is Fox with Hell’s Kitchen (although the season has just ended and I have a void to fill). Thursday night is obviously NBC - always has been and, quite possibly, always will be. Even Sunday night is claimed by the premium channels - Showtime for Dexter and HBO for Curb Your Enthusiasm.
I don’t know if...
