Conversation with 8th Graders:

Girl: You should date my cousin.

Me: We will not be discussing setting me up with anyone’s cousin.

Girl: I don’t understand. Just dump your girlfriend and go out with my cousin.

Me: What? No.

Boy 1 (to Girl): After meeting you, why would he want to date your cousin?

Me: Alright, enough.

Boy 2: Yea! And he already has a girlfriend.

Me: Actually, I never said I had a - wait! We’re not talking about this.

Boy 1 (confused): You don’t have a girlfriend?

Girl (with disgust): Why not?

Dramatic pause.

This conversation, which actually took place two days ago during another wonderful substitute teaching experience, illustrates two important points. Number one: female eighth graders respect me just as much now as they did nine years ago. Number two: why am I single?

A couple weeks ago, I expressed my amazement that I’ve officially become a bachelor as an unmarried college graduate. Although I’m not walking around singing “Going to the chapel and I’m gonna get married” in my head, I do feel a bit of a sense of urgency to find somebody at some point, preferably soon. I’ve been Independent Kiel long enough. We’ve all seen what he can do. He’s “eh.” Imagine the wonderful things Relationship Kiel could accomplish. I’d say there’s a very good chance I’d function much better as him. After all, why do you think eighth graders assume I have a girlfriend from the start? Because I naturally give off the impression of a great cuddler, obviously.

But I need to check myself before I romantically wreck myself. These days, I think a lot of people are looking for love in all the wrong places. If you so much as shook your ass in a Big Pun music video in the 90s you can secure a reality dating show on VH1 (Badonk of Love: 4). Do any of these women actually think they’re going to find happiness with a man with gold teeth and an alarm clock hanging around his neck? (Sadly, the answer is probably yes. God bless America.)

Closer to home, I see friends and family walking in and out of bad relationships left and right. Since I consider myself a Dr. Phil protege, I’m going to diagnose their problem right…now: Impatience. It seems that most people live by the creed If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with, when in fact people should be living by If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, wait until you love someone else. Sound simple enough? Well then do it.

Think of all the couples you know. (For the sake of this argument, let’s exempt married couples, even though we know that’s still no guarantee of perpetual bliss.) Of those relationships, how many do you envy? How many have that nauseatingly perfect relationship that cause you to curse them because you want the same? Maybe a few, at best. Good for them. They’re the lucky ones. We’re all rooting for you, Lucky Ones, no matter how jealous we/I may sometimes seem to be.

How many relationships, on the other hand, are dead on arrival? I’m talking about the kind of relationship between two people that’s just wasting time before something better rears its head, whether it’s just for one of the parties or for both. From my angle, there are quite a few more of these. Don’t think I’m being cynical. In fact, I’m being downright naive. In my worldview, there are plenty of chances out there for each person to find love and happiness with a person that’s right for them. Still, men and women are hurting each other all the time. I’ve been trying to understand how people, involved in relationships where they should be treating each other like princes and princesses, can treat each other so poorly. My solution: They were impatient, they never belonged together anyway, and they should have known better.

If I hear another woman talk about how terrible ALL men are, I’m going to pull some strings with my government contacts and get her on NASA’s first manned/womanned flight to Mars. (Alright, I don’t have any “real” government contacts, but don’t think I won’t Facebook friend Joe Biden and become his biffle. He’s just waiting for someone willing to listen to his stories.) Dear Girl Who Says This, all men are not terrible. You were just impatient. Next time, wait until the right guy shows his face that’s willing to treat you the way you want to be treated. This goes for guys too. She slept with your best friend? How about a more rigorous screening process, buddy?

Come on, people, we’re well into our twenties now. Let’s stop making excuses. You’ve had bad experiences for one reason: You chose the experiences you had. There’s no reason to resent every member of the opposite sex because of your mistakes. Resent yourself. Take some personal responsibility, and be more careful in your future relationship endeavors. Treat each case like a fragile package from FedEx and handle it with care. And when the right person does come along, get married and make some babies (but not too many because overpopulation is a serious problem.)

And why am I writing this now, a blog about love more than three months before Valentine’s Day? Because I finally felt like I had a good answer for the 8th graders, albeit two days later: I’m not single - I’m just patient.

Really, really, ridiculously patient.