Currently, the government and private institutions are conducting tests on the newest affliction to sweep the country. It isn’t swine flu. In fact, it’s not even an ailment that can be felt physically. It’s a purely psychological attack on the brain known as Total Recall Musicphobia, or TRM.

Total Recall Musicphobia sounds like a Schwarzenegger sequel, but I can assure you it’s much more serious. It affects members of any generation that grew up consumed by their music, whether it be through the use of Walkmans or iPods. If you’ve ever been listening to a song and felt like your body and soul had been swept away to another time and place, you suffer from TRM.

Total Recall Musicphobia occurs when a memory is triggered by a song associated with it. For example, as a kindergartener you hummed Aladdin’s “Friend Like Me” whenever you were at work over your coloring book. A dozen years later, as you find the movie on the Disney Channel during that particular scene, you feel as though you’ve been transported back to Mrs. Gingereau’s classroom with the 64-pack of crayons right in front of you. In another instance, “Don’t You Forget About Me” might be playing on a classic rock station, causing John Bender to appear before your very eyes with his fist frozen in the air as he walks under the football field’s goal posts. These are classic TRM-induced moments.

Not all songs trigger TRM moments, of course. Different songs will obviously have different effects on different people, and some memories connected to music will carry more weight than others. For reasons unknown to all researching parties, at seemingly random times in a person’s life when a song is present during an event, the details of the event are permanently embedded into the brain, waiting for release whenever the song plays again.

TRM can lie dormant for many years like the “Friend Like Me” scenario, or it can strike with immediacy. At a party, you spot the prettiest girl across the room as Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi” is playing. The next day, you think of that girl again as the song comes on the radio. Because she rejected your sexual advances, this song is now permanently attached to that memory and ruined forever. For some songs, therefore, TRM can prove very beneficial.

Total Recall Musicphobia claims victims every day, and it appears unstoppable. Around the holidays, be wary of TRM, as this is its peak season. Be careful around malls and department stores. Don’t be surprised to be listening to Johnny Mathis singing “Chestnuts on an Open Fire” and suddenly feel like you’re sitting on Grandpa-Dressed-as-Santa’s lap in your uncle’s living room.

If you experience Total Recall Musicphobia, turn off your iPod and call your doctor immediately. There is no known cure for TRM, but it is treatable by listening to talk radio.*

*Note: Avoid conservative talk radio stations because those lead to other, more damaging psychological issues.