When Moses came down the mountain, he could have never envisioned Facebook. He could talk to a burning bush, free a nation of slaves, and even part a sea, but he could never imagine a social media giant that would one day rule the lives of the entire planet. For this reason, I can’t fault him for not clarifying specific circumstances in relation to the fifth commandment, “Thou shalt honor thy mother and father.” In the real world, this is a great rule to live by. Be nice to Mommy and Daddy. When you’re little, it’ll get you candy as an award. As an adult, it’ll guarantee they won’t tell their grandchildren all the terrible and embarrassing things you did as a child. I can see the logic of the fifth commandment, and it is good.

Not in the world of Facebook, though. Currently, my friend’s status perfectly expresses my sentiment: “Mom’s on Facebook. FML.” Yes, F his L, indeed. As a person who has lived with his mother on Facebook for over a year now, I understand all the horrors he has in store. The next time a friend tags a picture of him with a cute girl, a motherly comment will quickly follow. “Oh honey! You look so handsome. And who’s the girl?” It’s as if parents don’t realize that said cute girl will be reading the comment too. My friend will ruin his chances with the girl in due time, and there’s no reason for his mother to step in and expedite the process.

The worst part is that “Honey” won’t be allowed to speak out against his mom’s embarrassing actions. He can’t tell her that she needs to mind his reputation on Facebook and refrain from such remarks. I know this from experiences personally and as a witness. I once tried to explain to my mother dearest that she needed to dial it down a notch on Facebook. She proceeded to list all the reasons why she was cooler than me. In a recent occurrence, my friend Mike was stuck in the airport while trying to get home for the holidays. He then had the following exchange with his mom over his status update:

Mike: stuck in Minneapolis.
His Mom: Miss you baby wish you were home THIS SUCKS!!!!!
Mike: Dear Mom, Try not to go out of your way to embarrass me on facebook. Thanks. Love, Mike

But we all know that’s disrespectful thing to do. The fifth commandment won’t have any of that. Neither would Mike’s friends and his aunt, who berated him in defense of his poor, defenseless Mumsy Wumsy. As they should, right?

Wrong.

In the brave new frontier of social media, I still think Facebook, as a global communication medium, is young enough for some rules to be set down. If rules aren’t made, everyone will be running wild with no one or nothing to answer to. It’ll be the Wild West all over again. Or any middle school class you were in when you had a substitute teacher. The most important rule I want to officially order amends Moses’ sacred fifth commandment and it goes like this: “Honor thy mother and father…except on Facebook.” This might sound rude and unappreciative to the people who brought us into the world and nurtured us throughout our lives. However, I promise you it is exactly what needs to be decreed as more and more parents join Facebook.

I believe it simply comes down to this: When your mom friends you, does she become your Facebook Mom or your Facebook Friend? I assure you it is the latter. If not, then Facebook Mom can comment about how often you seem to be slouching in your profile photos, or threaten to put soap in your mouth because you swear a lot on your best friend’s wall. This cannot happen. I refuse to live in a world where it does happen. I’d rather (gulp) surrender Facebook to the elder generation than cater to them as my superiors. In this world, we’re the superiors. Our generation is what made Facebook what it is today, so mind your P’s and Q’s, buster, and remember who you’re dealing with.

I’m not talking about a social media genocide here, wiping away all Facebook members over the age of 40. I understand Facebook’s benefits for our parents’ generation. It’s a great tool to reconnect with old friends that separated from each other in a time when they couldn’t keep in touch on the wonderful interwebs. Now that they have reconnected, though, they can’t get enough of the Book. Good for you - you found each other. Now stay out of our beeswax. We’ll let you exist in this world because we have no choice, but you better recognize why you’re here. We made this phenomenon happen. That means we basically brought you into this world, and we can take you out.

And while we’re at it, when that fateful day comes when you’re grandmother joins Facebook, don’t succumb to social pressures to be sweet to her. You’ll know exactly what to say.

“You’re in my world now, Grandma!”