You hang out at bars and clubs on the weekend with delusions that you’ll actually meet a special someone one of these nights. Your limbs flail in all directions over the bed when you sleep because you don’t need to worry about sharing the space with another person. You root for the “Will they? Won’t they?” relationship in every romantic comedy because you identify yourself with the male or female character.

In short, you’re single. When Valentine’s Day approaches, a special type of anxiety creeps into the mind of a single man or woman. You start asking yourself questions about how you reached this place. What am I doing wrong? How do I meet new people? Is there anyone out there for me? Do I need a stronger deodorant?

Being alone on a day devoted to being in love can be difficult for some people. However, since I haven’t had a significant Valentine’s Day since a middle school relationship during the Clinton administration, I think I know a thing or two about surviving the holiday as a single person. Here are some ways you can get through the weekend without ending up by yourself on a couch crying over a bowl of popcorn:

1. Answer the phone

A lot of times the phone rings, but I don’t answer because it’s an unknown number. Usually those are people I don’t know, bugging me with things like “Pay me for these credit cards!” or “Pay me for those student loans!” or “I saw you crapping in my garden again!” Blah blah blah. Today, though, I’m hoping for one of those calls. After all, if this person is calling me on Valentine’s Day and Sunday, he/she must be equally pathetic or, in the most extreme case, more pathetic than me. I feel we could have a fascinating conversation about each of our particular situations, possibly finding some striking similarities.

“I have conversations with the female voice of my GPS because I’m so desperate for contact with a female.”
“Me too!”

We may even have a tearful breakthrough where he/she tells me they haven’t been intimate with another human being in two years and I fess up about my confusing childhood crush on one of the female Care Bears. Do you see all the possible positive results that could come from this? Answer the phone.

2. Afternoon drunk dial

Sure, anyone can make a drunk call after 2 am, but it’s so predictable. Plus, it’s excusable. “I get it. It was the end of a long night of drinking with some friends. We’ve all been there.” But wouldn’t it carry much more weight if you drunk dialed an ex-lover or ex-romantic scorner at 2 pm? Then they’ll really see how much torment they’ve caused you. They’re taking their first bit of a PB&J sandwich and you’re taking the last shot of that bottle of Barbados rum you stole at your company Christmas party. When you call, they’ll be so caught off guard by your slurred speech at this time of the day that they’ll have to take responsibility for everything they put you through, and then you’ll never be alone again!

3. Take yourself out on a date

It’s better than doing something depressing and mundane by yourself or moping around with other single friends talking about how phony this holiday is that mocks you so. You know what? It’s not going anywhere, and it’s better just to embrace it. If you don’t have a guy/girl to go out with, go out by yourself. Go to dinner in your favorite restaurant and splurge a little bit. Take yourself on a nice walk through your favorite park afterward, and maybe even light some candles back at your place for a romantic evening later on. Who’s going to judge you? Society? What do they know about anything? Aren’t they the same people who held Paul Blart: Mall Cop at the top of the box office for two months? Exactly. They lost their chance. Treat yourself to a night on the town and thank me later.

4. Read my blog

If you’re so lonely and adamant about doing nothing in silent protest of Valentine’s Day, read my blog. Every. Single. Post. It goes back to September so there’s a lot of material to catch up on. My Roarin’ Twenties is like Lost - you can’t just jump in, read this post, and expect to fully understand what I’m saying. You need to catch up on every little plot twist and literary bump in the road along the way to get the bigger picture. I’m multi-layered, and you need to pull back those layers like an onion for the full experience. It’s up to you to figure out where I put the flashbacks, flash forwards, and flash sideways, though.

5. Chat Roulette

I just learned about this phenomenon this weekend. Apparently, a revolutionary website (http://chatroulette.com/) is trying to resurrect a piece of the glory days of AOL chat rooms, when kids who hadn’t lost their baby teeth yet could have sexual conversations with 45 year-old men posing as high school teenagers. Chat Roulette offers that same creepy encounter, only now it’s on video. If you’re so desperate to meet new people on this day of love, perhaps this website is the place for you. You should be warned, however, that many of the site’s users appear to be on the romantic tail end of their self-date when the camera is on them. Then again, perhaps this is the intimate moment you’ve been searching for along.

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Consider this free advice my Valentine’s Day gift to all of you. Let me know how it works for you. Now if you need me, I’ll be on Chat Roulette.